June 29, 2023

“Am I a Narcissist?”

By Ken Giglio, Principal of Mindful Leadership

“Am I a Narcissist?”

I took in the question from my executive coaching client and kept my mouth closed, choosing to answer in my mind: “I often experience you as self-centered and ego-driven in our conversations. Your boss thinks you are a narcissist, but requested I use the term “ego-centric” for your 360-feedback report. And, your team is getting tired of hearing you talk about yourself and your accomplishments.”

Then I took a deep breath as my client waited for my answer and said, “I’m curious, what is behind your question?”

I could tell by his face and audible sigh he was disappointed with my response, but after a pause, he said, “I was with my cousin this past weekend, who I haven’t seen in years, and he surprised me by saying I talk a lot about my accomplishments and tell a lot of stories about myself. He said I am a narcissist.”

“You were surprised.”

 “Yes, so I asked my wife if she sees what my cousin sees, and after beating around the bush a bit, she basically said yes. So, am I a narcissist?”

“I can understand how you can be confused and even frustrated to hear others identify you as a narcissist. The term is used loosely in our society to describe people who have inflated egos and as a psychiatric diagnosis to describe a serious personality disorder. I am not a medical professional, so we’ll avoid any diagnosis.”

“From my coach role, I would suggest we drop the narcissist label and explore what could be some narcissistic tendencies that surfaced in your 360 feedback. We learned people you work with see you often enough as egocentric and self-centered and not really connected with others. Would you like to talk about these perceptions of you as a leader?”

 “Sure, if it will stop people from labeling me as a narcissist.”

My client and I went on to have a productive coaching conversation, which started with a shared understanding around where narcissism comes from and how it has been used and misused. Narcissism has its origins in the Greek myth of Narcissus. In short, Narcissus loved his own image so much he excluded all else in his life. His self-absorption was so intense he spurned all relationships. He loved only himself. Narcissism as a psychiatric diagnosis is a modern application of the word that has crossed over into everyday language, including being used to describe leadership behaviors (see the DSM reference below).

We acknowledge successful leaders often have narcissistic qualities or tendencies such as charisma and a strong drive to be at the top of their field. What can also be present with narcissists are an inflated sense of self, lack of empathy, overwhelming need for attention, and few boundaries.

My client did not fit neatly into any of the definitions, nor did he exhibit even a majority of the characteristics for being a narcissist. So, it was easy for us to agree to drop the narcissist label because of the confusion that often surrounds the popular cultural use of the word and the devaluing and dehumanizing nature of labels in general. We decided to frame his growth opportunity as moving from “self-centeredness” to “other-centeredness.”

My aim was not to coach him from a narcissist into something else. He simply wanted to show up as a leader who was less self-centered and more in sync with his values: caring for others’ welfare and career, willing to work collaboratively toward shared goals, and being integrity-based in all his words and actions. His desire was to become more mindfully aware of when he was unconsciously slipping into egocentric, narcissistic tendencies/behaviors with his team and others.

This desire included being aware of when he prattled on about his accomplishments instead of promoting his team’s contributions or when he neglected to truly listen to others’ concerns with an empathic ear. During the course of our coaching after he posed the “Am I a Narcissist?” question, he shifted, gradually, his attention away from himself and toward others. It was a bumpy process, given how accustomed he had become to touting his accomplishments before recognizing those of others. He was able, in time, to manage his narcissistic tendencies and, as a result, those around him were able to see his true, value-centered self.

Narcissism In Today’s World

Narcissists and narcissism in general engender fascination and fear in our society. Many books have been offered on how to spot a narcissist, how to deal with them, and how to stop being one. There are no fewer than ten recent Harvard Business Review articles on leadership and narcissists.

Narcissism was first described as a mental illness, a pathological self-absorption that hurts oneself and others, by Ellis Havelock, a British physician in 1898. Narcissist Personality Disorder (NPD) is considered a mental illness to this present day in the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM-5-TR), last revised in 2022. It is important to note before the previous version (DSM 5) was published in 2013, a debate erupted among mental health professionals which almost led to the exclusion of narcissism as a designated mental illness.

Freud and other early psychiatrists saw narcissistic behavior more on a spectrum, with a healthy sense of self at one end and sociopathology at the other extreme. Unchecked narcissistic behaviors can do serious damage to relationships and entire organizations. However, without a broader, systemic understanding about what narcissism is and who narcissists are, we will continue to use it indiscriminately to label leaders, friends, and family. This application can also cause real harm, as was potentially the case when my client’s boss and family member labeled him a narcissist.

We all have egos and working in the field of executive coaching means working in a field of big egos. For leaders, having a big ego means being on guard and aware of when we think too much of ourselves and act solely out of self-interest.

At the end of the coaching session in which my client broached the narcissism question I asked, “What have you learned today about yourself?”

He responded with a sense of urgency. “I learned I need to check my narcissistic tendencies at the door when leading my team. Tomorrow I’ll start my team meeting by acknowledging others’ accomplishments..”

“Agreed. As a start, what will it look like to check these tendencies?”

“As we’ve discussed, my first line of defense is to be aware of when I am being boastful or self-centered and to get over myself and focus on the needs of others.”

I concluded our session with a nod, “Sounds like a plan.”